The good in goobyes

September 9, 2020 | Motherhood

This past week was a monumental one for me as a mom. It sounds silly, but the first haircut for each of our boys is incredibly emotional and was heightened even more with Colton. I held off for a very long time, partly because I absolutely loved his long hair, and partially because I did not want to let go of my “baby”. Before and afters of first haircuts always leave the baby emerging as a true toddler. I never say never anymore, as I know God’s plan is much bigger than any we could imagine, but from our current perspective, Colton is our last baby. That is hard for me to even write, and so saying goodbye to the infant phase means there’s now an overwhelming finality to what has been a favorite part of my journey in motherhood.

As I really reflect on goodbyes and why I was having such a hard time with a simple trip to the barbershop, I realized that for me having a newborn/infant has been so much more than relishing in endless cuddles and even longer days where it is just the two of us; learning about each other, growing together. I have always been a “helper” by nature, and it was not until recently that I started realizing one of my greatest strengths is also probably one of my greatest flaws. I have spent far too much time wanting to be needed by others and losing so much of myself within them (read: unhealthy relationships with old boyfriends, friends, and even work). Paul was the first person other than my parents who I believe has truly seen me, and accepted me entirely (for any of my non-married readers – I promise you will know this when you experience it. If you desire a life partner, do not settle for someone who does not fully see you. And look for signs they are willing to grow with you as well). I believe that motherhood came so easily to me during the infant stage with both of my boys because no one has ever needed me the way a baby does in that first year. They relied on me for quite literally everything, as I also nursed them for 14+ months (tips on weaning a baby/toddler during a pandemic are encouraged and welcome!). While the first 12 months or so was an incredible and life changing experience with Jackson and Colton, it also was not the healthiest one for me as their mom. It has been all-consuming and waned on my mental health. As the months pass, I have found myself often longing for the slow newborn days, but not because I’m not ready to have two young boys, but because I haven’t been ready to confront areas of myself that I have neglected, all in the name of motherhood. These babies are turning into little men right before our eyes, and I want and need to be as present and engaged (both physically and mentally) as possible. But that doesn’t change the fact that saying goodbye to this chapter is HARD.

You know what else is really hard? Putting in the work on yourself. This new season of life may seem a bit selfish to some, but for our family, putting my needs and my health first is one that we decided together we cannot afford not to do. Our boys deserve a mom who is happy and active and plays in the dirt. My husband deserves a wife who is confident and emotional, yet stable. The fun and passionate woman he knows is still here. The one who gets up and exercises first thing in the morning because starting the day with endorphins and a clear mind brings peace to the entire home. And this is where I will gush over my husband again, to truly emphasize how essential I believe it is to find a partner who challenges and supports you as you grow to be the truest version of yourself. A best friend who wants to put in the work together. It is not perfect, and far from glamorous, but I wouldn’t change our messy, beautiful life for the world – the happiness and the sadness, included.

One of the most profound and impactful statements I heard this past year (thank you Ciara) is that happiness is not necessarily better than sadness; both emotions hold value. What I’ve learned is how important it is to search for the true source of my sadness and shift my focus when I feel ready to the happiness that I know is going to follow. This does not change the fact that no matter the circumstance, goodbyes are sad and really hard. Whether you are saying goodbye to a marriage or relationship, a career or job, a city, or your baby’s first hairs (!), I promise if you stay true to yourself, there is going to be so much happiness awaiting you on the other side of that goodbye. Do not pretend the sadness is not there, wish it or drink it away, but truly live in it for as long as you need. Learn and grow from it and find the strength to get up the next day and search for the joy. I’m still sad that my baby is that much older now, but I have found so much happiness in just being present with him these days. Watching him explore the backyard, learn new words, and most importantly, observing as Jackson and Colton learn to play and grow together. The other side of the goodbye to the baby phase is one full of adventures with the two boys I prayed to God for, for as long as I can remember…and a Becoming of sorts for their mama in this new chapter in life. All of this does not make the sadness any less hard, but it sure makes the happy that much sweeter.