The perfect pregnancy.

I became pregnant with my first baby at 29, and my second at 32. Both had their own unique challenges, as all pregnancies do. But pregnancy at 35 (now 36) has been an entirely different ballgame. I have no idea whether it’s my age, my body, my incredibly active two young boys, or the fact that I’ve been pregnant or nursing almost constantly for the better part of 6 years… maybe it’s all of that combined. I am constantly giving myself grace, but it doesn’t change the fact I have spent the majority of these past eight months feeling like my body - the one I have worked so hard to heal, prepare, strengthen, and nourish - is failing me.

I was riddled with nausea and anxiety during the first trimester, only to be hit in the 2nd trimester with so many unknowns surrounding our baby’s health, rapid weight gain, incomprehensible exhaustion, and eventually a diagnosis of severe anemia that just could not be rectified with supplements and diet adjustments. I took an entire month off of training with Susan to catch up on rest for both my body and my mind, and subsequent appointments with a hematologist led to my spending several mornings at the hospital for iron infusions. Add in covid, my husband’s job requiring more and more from him (and therefore us) with each passing week, and missing out on a trip to Texas for a friend’s wedding and it has all been extremely challenging.

I had such a strong desire to experience pregnancy in a new light this time around. I fell in love with the idea of having a baby when I wasn’t bogged down by 80 hour work weeks and overwhelming stress and anxiety. I desperately wanted to be my absolute best self if we were to become a family of five. I spent so many months preparing hopefully for a rainbow baby - strengthening my mindset and my muscles, holding onto visions of running 5ks up until 40 weeks. I’ve now gone ahead and added all of the above to the laundry list of lessons learned throughout motherhood - how, despite my best efforts, so much is simply out of my control.

The truth of the matter is, I can work for and want a “perfect pregnancy” more than anything in the world, but that doesn’t mean it will happen… that it even exists. I can manage what I eat, how I move body, make time for rest and self-care, and remain as positive as possible, but sometimes my body just does not cooperate how I want it to - or my children get sick, my spouse works crazy hours, and I just flat out get tired.

These past several months have required so much of me physically (these boys are non-stop energy 24-7), and also mentally - from fully embracing my ever-changing body, to pulling myself out of a victim mindset over and over. I’m not sure if there has ever been a single teacher better for me than pregnancy as it relates to body image, relinquishing control, slowing down, and enjoying the journey… it has taught me so much about life, acceptance, and loss.

Pregnancy is also where the comparison trap reaches a peak for me - where I often find myself comparing and questioning : How has she barely gained any weight? Why is her belly so small compared to mine? How is she able to keep running and I can’t? Why does she manage pregnancy and caring for multiple children better than me? How is she already back on the peloton? And one of the heaviest we face - why her? or, why me? The comparisons are endless, and exhausting, if we let them in. The ultimate thief of joy.

I have worked so hard to love myself, so that I may love the most important people in my life in the way we all deserve… so despite the exhaustion and desire to sometimes just curl up in a ball…I continue to put in the work. Despite sometimes bad days that seem to turn into weeks, I eventually hear Ciara’s voice in my head saying “it starts today”. I dig deep, pulling myself out of the mind trap by journaling, writing, prayer, talking with a friend, or simply putting the phone down and remaining fully present with my boys. Because my happiness cannot be based solely on my blessings, or the things that come easily or naturally. That’s not how life works.

So when I chose to do a solo maternity shoot (with the incredibly talented Ashleigh Donahue) to capture moment in time… it wasn’t because I wanted pretty pictures of my perfect pregnancy. On the contrary, it was because of this incredibly challenging journey I am genuinely proud to call my own. The experience that day was truly a celebration of how far I have come, how much of myself, and my worthiness, I have embraced. Creating these images with Ashleigh was a declaration of yet another iteration of me, all I am becoming, and possibly most importantly…all I have let go of. And how beautiful that it truly took the most perfectly imperfect set of experiences to get here.

So despite what Instagram may tell us, or what we may perceive about someone else, there is no perfect pregnancy. No perfect marriage, kids, career, or family. There is just you, your life, and how you choose to embrace it. And there is so much joy to be found within the so called imperfections. I hope more mamas find opportunities to celebrate all that they are, all they have overcome, and all the joy the future holds.