Letting go.
Paul and I always knew we wanted to one day be a family of four. Yes, I said four. Two children had always felt right to us, and we are so blessed that dream came true. Then I went and rocked our world when one of the (unintended) outcomes from my time in the Becoming Her program was an unrelenting knowing that I was not done having children. I had an unwavering desire to expand our family. I can’t explain it, I just knew we all had so much love to give another baby. After suffering a miscarriage in November of 2020, I spent the remainder of the year and the first half of 2021 grieving, healing, and getting back to basics with my health, mindset, nutrition, and fitness. Diving into books, my faith, and a regimented workout routine, saved me.
Fast forward to June 2021 and we were pregnant with our rainbow baby. Overjoyed and overwhelmed emotionally (and oh so sick physically), I used every ounce of energy I had to just get through the day to day. It wasn’t exactly the start to the pregnancy I had envisioned, but hitting the 12 week mark this time around felt like an immense milestone. What followed, however, has been one hell of a journey we never could have anticipated.
We have opted into genetic blood testing with all of our babies, wanting to ensure we had a firm grasp on their health as early as possible. I’ve come to realize this was also a massive desire to acquire some semblance of control during a time when nothing feels like it is in your control. I find it to be so ironic how this need would ultimately lead me down a path of finally relinquishing all of my control. And I mean all of it. I had no choice but to let it all go and give it up to God.
Long story short, the NIPT test had shown our baby was at risk for a rare genetic disorder, with possible symptoms ranging from life threatening to incredibly mild. Our minds immediately went to worst case scenarios - envisioning grueling heart surgeries and months in a NICU far from home (or worse) - experiencing all levels of grief and sadness. There’s nothing worse than feeling so helpless as it relates to your child’s health.
Yet God’s grace remains so good, and an entire army of prayer warriors soon rose up around us. People we are so blessed to call family and friends, including a childhood friend I hadn’t spoken to in years who swooped in with steadfast support, immense knowledge, and so much kindness. I will be forever grateful to every single person who has held us up in prayer and love over the past few months while we attended countless appointments, ultrasounds, and meetings with specialists. I have learned more about fetal development during this pregnancy than I ever thought I would. I now also highly recommend anyone who is considering genetic testing to research and review this information on NIPT tests and their accuracy. We were so underprepared for all we have experienced.
We have been blessed beyond measure that each appointment has led to more and more encouraging news as it relates to our boy’s health. And while we still do not have a full picture of the health of our baby (I chose to opt out of procedures that would have given us more definitive answers; these are such personal decisions and definitely never one size fits all situations), the truth of the matter is I have learned more about myself, the people I choose to surround myself with, and my relationship with God by not having “all the facts” than I ever would have otherwise. Saying yes to my faith and the belief that the right doctors, nurses, answers, and prayers would come our way to fully envelope this baby in all the love, healing, and support he could ever possibly need, is all I needed, too.
As a sweet friend reminded me recently, it is ok to mourn the pregnancy you thought you would have, but didn’t… having to suddenly shift the vision you held for your child, and the future, in ways you never dreamed. It is ok to not be ok during the waiting, the unknown. The part I do know for certain, however, is how important it is to also focus on the good… on the known that is real, and right in front of you, instead of the worry and unknown which is full of what we cannot control. So I’ve done my best to let the worry go. I choose to remain optimistic, with all eyes on God, and the fact that this sweet soul is already the most perfect addition to our little crew. He has already given us so much.
To those who have spent time praying over us, and our boy, I cannot thank you enough. You have held us up and encouraged us to keep going even on the toughest of days; providing us opportunity to stretch within our faith and to remain grounded. To anyone reading this who may be finding themselves in a similar situation, or who may just need some extra encouragement during a tough season, I hope you know I’m praying for you, too. Let go of what you can, and keep the faith. 🤍
