Surrender.

“How does if feel to fully surrender to being in the present moment with the boys?” A mentor/coach recently asked me this after I spent the day at the park with Jackson and Colton. It was one of the better reflective questions I’ve been asked since leaving my full-time job for the full-time job I never knew I always wanted.

But if I’m being completely honest, this gig hasn’t always been the fairytale I thought it would be. Remaining fully present with my boys day in and day out has meant surrendering so much of what I’ve known about my identity. As a (recovering) type-A personality, who has always defined success by my career, and how many lines are crossed off my to-do list, I’ve had my fair share of struggles over the past few months. I’m sure many of you can relate, whether you are home with your kids every day or not.

While surrendering my unhealthy obsession with “accomplishing” has been challenging, it has also provided me an opportunity to shift; to redesign what my life can look like now. So how do I measure success in this new season? It’s not by the number of diapers changed, dishes washed, or laundry folded. I’ve tried to measure success in that way, and all it does is leave me feeling defeated on a daily (hourly) basis. Because there’s always something else to clean or organize or get done. And there’s still emails and bills, management of my blog and Beautycounter business.. oh and there’s that book I’m writing, too. Even if I’m not heading to an office everyday, the theoretical to-do list remains never ending.

So I have had to learn to be ok with my daily success, on most days, becoming 100% intangible. I now measure it in laughs and sand castles and bubbles. It’s defined by smiles and moments. It’s a muscle I’m flexing daily, and I am slowly getting stronger in my pursuit of presence for my kids. My desire to demonstrate for them what real happiness looks and feels like.. how this may just be a season, but what a season it can be for our family. One where I’m not putting my life on hold... but where I feel like I’m finally living.

I recently taught Jackson how to climb a tree. My sweet, incredibly cautious little boy climbed his first tree, with his mom guiding him and cheering him on, step by step. How many trees will he climb in his life? Thousands, I hope. And I was there for the first one. THAT is my definition of living in the most beautiful way possible. He was scared and proud and able to put into practice our little motto of “we can do hard things”.

What a moment. One that probably wouldn’t have happened, however, if I hadn’t flexed my muscle, and committed to just being with Jackson during Colton’s entire nap. No cleaning, no phone calls, no photo editing, multi-tasking, or social media. A full surrender, with the most magical outcome. And you know what? The dishes eventually did get done. The post was written, the pictures uploaded, and the laundry folded. Thy will be done. It feels really good to accomplish things, but remember to also take the time to lean in with your heart. Whether it be with your children or your business, practice a full surrender from time to time, and watch how it fuels your soul.