What to say instead

I’ll never forget the day I took all three of my boys to the post office, shortly after Teddy was born. As we were walking out, a woman walked in and I watched as she glanced from child to child… my five year old loudly pretending an empty box was a garage for his matchbox cars, my 2 year old crying because I had put him down in order to pick up the infant carrier, and the sleeping newborn in my arms. I instinctively held my breath, waiting for the comment… you know the one. Some variation of the “wow you have your hands full” statement I tend to always get when out in public with my boys. Instead, she simply gave me the warmest smile and said: “you have three boys? what a beautiful blessing.” That was it. Such a breath of fresh air.

I’ve learned three times over now how, when a woman is pregnant or is out and about with her kids, our society believes it is their prerogative to share all sorts of opinions and advice. I’m actually rather fascinated by others’ desire to comment on the pregnant body and/or young families… as if it’s some new concept and women have not been birthing babies and growing their families since the beginning of time.

Yes, bringing new life into this world is monumental, beautiful, and so joyous. I understand the desire to comment on such an important time in a woman’s life. But just as you never really know what someone else is going through, you also can never truly understand what someone else’s path into motherhood has looked like. Some extra caution before we speak to mothers about their children, or their pregnant bodies, could serve us all some good.

I try not say anything to a pregnant woman or mother unless it is positive and uplifting, and I rarely (if ever) mention her body. She does not need my opinion on anything related to the size of her bump, how “full” her hands may be, or how she should “get ready” for the next phase which brings about x,y, or z. Moms also do not need to hear how “an only child needs a sibling” or how happy she must be to “finally” have a boy/girl. And she definitely doesn’t need to hear whether you think her belly is too big or too small, about her weight, or how low or wide she is carrying.

…Maybe you have gotten this far and think I’m being dramatic, or that I’m overly sensitive, but I’m here to tell you moms get these comments daily. And it is honestly exhausting. We are acutely aware of the number of children we have, how much baby weight we’ve gained, and when our baby is due.

This is a small sampling of what a few moms I know have experienced while pregnant or newly postpartum:

“Wow you’re that big at 32 weeks? no way you’re going to make it to your due date!”

“Oh gosh, I’m SO SORRY” —> in response to sharing she is expecting a third boy.

“When do you think you’ll try for another?”

“So When is your next baby due?” (While holding a 4 week old infant and pointing to the mamas postpartum belly)

“Exactly how many more kids do you plan to have? You know how that happens right?”

“Another one?? Was it a mistake?”

”So you’re going to try for another right? To finally get your girl?”

“She’s 4?! You need to go ahead and give her a sibling!”

”Holy cow, you’re about to pop!”

”You’re way too thin to have just had a baby, you should be ashamed!”

“Wow your belly is huge! Are you sure you’re not having twins?”

(No, It’s not just moms, either. Men get it too - especially fathers of daughters. Comments on how they need to “keep going” to get their boy, or to “buy a shotgun” because their daughter is so beautiful. It all gets so old, so fast).

The reality is, most of the time we have NO idea what has gone on behind the scenes of each family’s journey into parenthood. Maybe that mama’s belly is “big” because she was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and she has so much anxiety over her health, and her baby’s. Maybe her belly looks “small” because her baby’s growth scans haven’t been progressing as they should be, and she is in a constant state of worry over the health of her child. Maybe the baby you are apologizing about is her rainbow baby after multiple miscarriages. Maybe those parents are desperate to expand their family, but have been experiencing secondary infertility.

Now, maybe none of those things are true - we all know every body, baby, and pregnancy is different. But what if they are true? The size and shape of a woman, the number of children she has, and their respective gender, is simply not yours to comment on. The fact that a woman is growing life inside her does not automatically give anyone the right to share unsolicited opinions about her body, or her baby.

The invisible load we carry as mothers is heavy. We worry about life and loss, genetic disorders, birth defects, and how our bodies are changing. We worry over what our kids are eating (or aren’t eating), we think literally non-stop about the health of our unborn babies, if we are getting enough exercise, if the kids are getting too much screen time, if we are doing all the things we “should” be doing… while simultaneously being told by outsiders how we could be doing things differently. It’s constant. And while it’s very easy to say we should not take comments from strangers to heart, I’m here to tell you how receiving them daily makes seemingly simple comments often add so much weight to all we are carrying. Even the well-meaning comments about our pregnant bodies can make us incredibly uncomfortable - would you honestly be commenting on how little weight I’ve gained if I wasn’t pregnant? I don’t think so. So why are you now??

As a mom of three, including one rainbow baby, I’ve heard it all. And my top recommendation when commenting on a mom’s bump, or her babies, is to simply focus on the person, not the body; how mama feels vs. how she looks.

Some examples of what to say instead:

You’re doing such a great job!!

You are glowing/look so happy!

Growing a baby is so hard in so many ways, how are you feeling, mama?

I’ll be praying for you and baby!

You are so blessed to have these girls!

Or, say nothing, and simply offer a warm smile. That goes a hell of a long way, too.

To all the mamas out there - I see you, I’ve been you, I am you. And you’re doing great.

Ashleigh Donahue Photography