STRONG as a Mother.
Born from within the one thing I always perceived would make me weakest, motherhood is where I have found an inner strength greater than any I could imagine. Becoming a mom broke me into little pieces and left me raw - aching, confused, and lost. I felt like a stranger within my own body and mind, so I clung to the newborn years with a white knuckled grip on reality, unsure of anything except how to love my babies. Yet instead of completely losing myself in motherhood like I always feared, I found the strength to fight for myself. And that fight ended up becoming the best way I could ever love my babies.
I remember being pregnant with Jackson and interviewing for a job/promotion when he was just 5 weeks old, pumping in between interview sessions. I remember convincing myself that going back to work to start that job when he was just 10 weeks old was the “right thing to do”, as it aligned most closely with the career I was building. I’ll never forget a mentor telling me to breathe and pause, to make sure this was really what I wanted. I convinced myself it was, because if I wasn’t growing professionally, what was I doing? Remaining stagnant wasn’t an option for that girl with a plan, and a baby wasn’t going to change it.
Fast forward a few years, a cross-country move, and a new job that had been my dream since graduate school, I remember sobbing in my car almost every morning before walking into work while pregnant with Colton. I had never felt such inner turmoil than I did in those months leading up to his birth, and for the several months following. I genuinely loved my job at its core - I had worked so hard and so long to get to this point in my career - but I also couldn’t run from the ever growing part of me that desired so deeply to be the one who was with my children day in and day out while they were still so small. It was a constant push-pull in my mind, that grew more confusing when well-meaning friends would say things like “but you are meant to do so much more than just stay home.” Just stay home. It was like a prison sentence and I was going to be giving my career the death penalty.
Looking back now, I wish I could hold that younger version of myself while she cried in her car after daycare drop-offs each morning. I wish so badly I could tell her that in just 12 months time, she will be at home with her boys, and will find inner peace after walking away from a dream that once held so much weight in her heart. I want to tell her that it won’t be easy by any means, but she will find a balance of strength and grace. That she will not lose herself in motherhood like she fears. That motherhood will, in fact, be the flame that ignites the fire within her to walk proudly into a truer version of herself. That she will find the courage to face fears, criticism, unresolved trauma, and doubts, and continue to show up day in and day out for her children, her husband, and herself.
I want to tell her that motherhood is where she will thrive. That she will find a rhythm and a freedom that no job in the world could replicate. That in motherhood she will discover just how worthy she is of designing a life she loves. That motherhood is not just a place to get lost in the mess, the diapers, and tears. It is where her passion will stem from - motherhood will become the catalyst for her future, and a pathway towards healing. It is where she will rediscover her desire to create, design, write, inspire, grow, lead and LOVE. Deeper than she ever dreamed possible.
I am proud that motherhood is where I have found my voice, my courage, and my confidence. It is the place I continue to show up, even when shit gets really hard. It is where I have found the strength to ask for help, and the space to create my own path; not the safe, linear one that was laid out for me in my youth, but one that is fully aligned with the woman I have become. A woman who values family, health, creativity, kindness and love, above all else.
It is my belief that you will find few things in this world stronger than a mother. We each have our own stories to tell, and I remain so thankful for each woman who has opened up and shared their stories with me over the years. Stories of love and loss, divorce and depression, infertility and grief, advocacy and health battles, overwhelming stress and anxiety; yet you continue to do the work of shepherding your children with faith, grit, determination, and love. Your stories have truly made me strong. We are putting in so much work; healing ourselves while simultaneously healing generations to come, and there is nothing stronger than THAT.
So what I have really come to realize, as my fifth Mothers Day came and went this past weekend, is that I am not putting my life on hold to raise my babies; in raising my babies, I am discovering what it means to fully live.