The mud puddle.

Asking for help is genuinely one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. There are a lot of reasons why this is, and I know part of it stems from an inner need to never show weakness. Working daily to not be owned by this part of my ego, I have found beauty in vulnerability; true strength in letting others help. It’s actually quite an empowering concept - we tell children to “look for the helpers” in times of crisis for a reason. Thinking through this led me to ask Jackson why he loves firefighters so much, and his response floored me: “Because they help, of course. They are so brave and calm”. Wow. Now, I know my kid well enough to know he loves the action, adventure and giant trucks, too, but he is also pulled to such a genuine premise of a helper: calmness. I guess I’ll be taking my four year old’s lead, and continue opening myself up to the helpers in my life, because couldn’t we all use a little more calm right now? More peace and tranquility, both inside and out?

After I suffered a miscarriage in November, I believed I had also lost so much of what I had gained through the Becoming Her program. I was seriously doubting my ability to ever “get back on track”. I had made such giant strides towards a more beautiful version of me, and suddenly felt like I had to start over. I felt like I had failed. It was daunting. I’m not sure if I was embarrassed, or felt weak, or was just plain insecure and frustrated. Maybe it was all of the above. I had been able to hold onto so much hope for the future, but my day-to-day living was grim. Paul encouraged me to talk about it, and ask for help, but I just couldn’t. I remember even feeling unworthy of help because of how far I had slid; that I alone needed to be the one to pull myself out of this giant mud puddle I was wading in. With hormones all over the map, I started doubting not just my ability, but my mind as well; questioning whether I had jumped the gun by stopping my ppd/ppa medication.

Thankfully, the universe had other plans. When a friend called me out of the blue on a random Tuesday morning, I remember not wanting to answer. Thinking through all of the excuses - you know the ones - the kids are wild and needy, I am exhausted, I just don’t feel like socializing, etc., etc. - yet something compelled me to answer. While we talked the boys cooperated beautifully, and I’m convinced children can sense much more than we think they can; it was like they knew their mama needed this hour of calm with her friend. We discussed hard things like how I had been feeling and our shared experience with pregnancy loss, but we also talked about nutrition, holistic medicine, activities we were doing with our kids, and “pandemic approved” mini vacations we had planned with our families. We even realized a crazy connection to a park in Pennsylvania that is special to us both. It was the purest form of medicine I could have ever imagined. Her spirit was magnetic.

I don’t know how to fully explain it, but after that phone call my life slowly started to shift back to the rhythm I had worked so hard to create. Without even trying, she gave me a kickstart back into my life. I eventually returned to my morning routines, moving my body, and adjusted my supplement regimen to better support what my body needed. My world, and my emotions, continued to ebb and flow - there were days full of peace and contentment, and days where I had to work immensely hard on giving myself the grace I knew I deserved. But one day, hell, one hour at a time, I was healing - not just from losing a baby, but from yet another rebirth and awakening. I started to literally visualize stepping up and out of that giant mud puddle in a pair of beautiful rain boots. Yet instead of stepping out alone, I allowed myself to be helped out by a friend. And as we stood together, muddy boots and all, we were one; individual souls, but a single aura. Her light projected onto me everything I had been missing, like a mirror, or a glimpse into who I truly was; a perfect dance of support and love.

Intentionally growing my tribe of sovereign, warrior women has been one of my greatest accomplishments of my 30s. Continuing to lean on them for help, and vice versa, will no doubt become one of the most beautiful chapters of my story. We all need love, grace, support, and connection now more than ever. And while the process of Becoming is never truly over, how beautiful it is to have faith in knowing I can journey through it all with a friend. Through the highs and lows, and especially through the mud puddles. Because you never really know what someone else is going through, or the impact you may have on their lives, just by catching up on a random Tuesday.

Thank you, Lauren, for deciding to call me <3